10,000 Words to $10,000: My Manifestation Challenge Starts Now
Welcome back to the blog family!
I’m back again with a special challenge to myself. But first, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who subscribed, liked, commented, and shared the blog. You are very appreciated.
As you can tell from the title, I’m working my way toward $10,000. This isn’t the first time I’ve manifested $10,000, just the first time I’m doing so in this manner.
Let me set the stage: I’m walking outside, taking my normal “talk to the trees” stroll. During my walk, I tell God, “I need $10,000 this month.” I go ahead and start thinking about what I am going to spend the money on and how it will make me feel, you know, manifestation 101. Then he answers: “Publish 10,000 words. Written or spoken.”
That’s it? 10,000 words? That’s nothing! Right?
I mean, I published 30,000 words last year…but it took me the entire year to do it. According to Claude, 10,000 words is about 20 pages single-spaced or about 80 minutes of speech. Each blog I write is anywhere between 800 and 1,000 words. Each podcast I post is about 30 minutes. Only 10 posts and/or two podcast episodes, and I reach my goal.
Easy, right? Unless you’re me. I’ve barely posted anything so far this year.
But First, Let Me Get Out of My Own Way
Papa said something to me this morning that I had to look up afterward: “Get out of your own way.”
Okay, and what’s that supposed to mean?
Well, Google said it’s about self-sabotaging behaviors, especially due to fear, procrastination, or perfectionism. Damn, just at me next time!
No, but seriously, these are all things I’ve struggled with pretty much my whole life. I’ve even written about my addiction to procrastination here on the blog years ago.
I’ve grown, my self-concept has grown, yet I’m still the little girl afraid of saying the wrong thing. Or making someone upset. Or telling too much about myself. That last one really hits because I’ve been sitting on publishing my journal from 2018-2022 as a grimoire of sorts, due to shame. Preemptively titled “Letters to the Lord”, the years of personal diary entries served something like my own Bible in my times of need.
Then the TV Started Talking to Me
I’ve told y’all before, but God can use anything to get his point across. I have a Leo Mercury, so a lot of the times my messages come through movies and music. I’m writing this from the bed, while I watch American Gods on Tubi (amazing show btw, just watch it in the daytime). I’m on S3E8, at the scene where Salim is afraid to walk into the LGBTQ sex party. This is the same character who, as a Muslim Omani man, fell in love with a male Jinn and has been chasing him around the country.
Salim gets invited to the party by an attractive bellhop at the hotel where he’s staying. Coincidentally, this hotel was blessed by the Chinese god of homosexual love, probably 40 years before the scene. He’s scared to go inside the party, as he sees all these flamboyantly dressed women and men enter, and it brings up feelings of insecurity.
The hotel’s owner, Toni, a transwoman herself, stops to check on Salim. She said something so profound I have to recite it: “Sometimes unsafe and shame can feel similar, but shame is a whole lot of made-up bullshit…”
The shame of being perceived keeps me locked in my room like Rapunzel. No lie, I leave my house maybe twice a week because I cannot bear it when other people see me. I have so many thoughts and things I want to do and create, but something is covering my mouth.
But I know this is the enemy.
Leo Demands to Be Seen. I’m Still Hiding.
In my last post, I spoke about my 2H/8H axis, also known as the money axis. I have a 2H Leo stellium, with my Mercury, Mars, and Venus placed in that house. Leo is big, loud, creative, and dramatic. It rules the arts and children and is ruled by the Sun. Leo demands to be seen. And with the planets in the sign, it’s even more evident that I’m supposed to be visible, famous even.
But fame is overrated. What I really want is to be understood and acknowledged. I value when people see my works, whether my words or my actions. It’s not even about money; I gain so much from hearing people say, “I read your blog. It was just what I needed to hear. It resonated with me.” And I don’t know why I have shame around my art, the people who raised me never supported me anyway!
Yet, I still have this urge to quiet myself. The “Nobody cares about what I’m saying,” mindset. This fear of being seen and heard, or worse, judged, keeps me stuck. It keeps me in my own way. My voice is my channel, and I am my own money block.
But is this truly who I am – or who I became to survive? Or what if this is just WHO I AM – nothing to change, everything to accept.
900 Words Closer
So what now? I’ve typed all these words, and what have I gained? Well, at least I’m 900-something words closer to my goal. I see myself a bit more clearly, and I have every person reading this as an accountability partner on my goal to reach 10,000 words. I’m getting out of my own way and bringing you all on the journey.
What are you working towards? What is your money block? Is it you? What would you do if nobody was watching? Let me know below in the comments.
As always, I love you to life!
Cousin Lex
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