Welcome back, family!
You already know I’m thankful you’re here, reading the blog. We just celebrated the 1st anniversary of LifeWithLexisKai.com being hosted on WordPress! It’s a blessing to be able to continue writing freely here with y’all, and I’m eternally thankful for the support.
As you can see, the blog has gotten a new look. In part, I’ve decided to take this in a new direction. For over 7 years, I’ve been documenting my life through this medium. As I’ve grown, so should it. Instead of trying to let LifeWithLexisKai.com host everything else I’m doing, it will just be about what it was made for: documenting my journey.
I will still be launching Live Life Lavish University on April 17th. Still, it will live on another part of the interwebs.
Today’s blog comes after what I would consider a mental breakdown – more like a breakthrough. I’ve been practicing sobriety these past few days, or at least I was when I originally started writing this.
Not quite Ramadan, more like Lent, but still, there is the Law of Equivalent Exchange. You’ve got to give something to get something. By giving up my pacifier, aka my reefa, because it has become an emotional crutch more than an asset to my creative process, I’m showing Source my commitment to my new life.
And in these past 72 hours, I’ve cried more than I have so far this year. Yeah, that bad. The tears came from questioning my own abilities and desires. Am I really who I think I am? The split between the me I know myself to be and the me I currently am.
All my life, I’ve had these big dreams, and as I started accomplishing some of them, they kept growing. Yet, there’s a fear underneath all that I do: Am I good enough to be doing this? Or worse, as I began to accomplish my goals I still felt something missing: Is this what I even want for real?
There it is. Even as I edit and revise this post for the umpteenth time. The truth is coming out on the page: survival mode has been mistaken for living, and I’m choosing to actually live now. And what does that life look like?
There were tears for the last three weekends in a row. Instead of throwing a pity party, I had to reflect: these tears are telling me something, right?
Lately, in part due to Saturn and Neptune’s transit into my Aries 10H, my career and goals have come to the forefront. I’ve found myself questioning why I want the things I want. Even more so, who am I to want those things? And the hardest one: who do I have to be to get it? This is known as the Do-Be-Have model.
Saturn rewards diligent efforts over time, where Aries energy is like a match; quickly lit but even quicker snuffed. Even more so, we’re in eclipse season, with the most recent occurring on March 3rd in the sign of Virgo.
I’m a Virgo Sun and North Node in the 3rd House, so this eclipse is affecting the way I communicate not only who I am and what I want, but the combination of the two. It’s naming the person I am to become. The “who am I becoming” part is at stake. I’m looking at myself in the mirror and really taking stock of who I see in my reflection.
Now, physically, I love her. She looks goodt! Not going to lie, my twenties have just gotten better for the body. I feel more aligned with it, and I’ve filled out the hips I inherited from the Norman line. At the same time, this version isn’t even a fraction of who I envisioned myself becoming. Where is my law degree, for example? I haven’t accomplished 20% of who I saw myself as being at 27.
Yet, two weekends ago, while at the laundromat, a business model I see myself owning one day, I finished reading The Parable of the Talents. I’ve written previously about this novel here. At the end of the book, the duology’s protagonist, Lauren Olamina, dies wealthy and accomplished at age 81. The same character who, decades before had been beated and raped and had to watch her family be ripped away from her three times over.
That’s when it dawned on me – I have so much time. I have time! As long as I survive. But if I die, due to negligence of anyone’s part, my own or otherwise, I won’t stand a chance. As long as I live, I have a chance to accomplish everything I set out to do.
Before we go, let me share a download I received while watching Hustle & Flow? I need to, because that’s what originally motivated today’s post, as the title shows.
Side note: I’ve been thinking about getting back into rapping, partly because of the synchronicity of this movie and my reminder that my voice is my money channel.
And speaking of Hustle & Flow, has anyone else been seeing Terrence Howard on their TikTok FYP recently? If not, get your mind right. Your for you page is literally FOR YOU. It’s a reflection of what you pay attention to, especially in excess. But I digress.
The movie follows mid-age Memphis pimp, Djay, who is coincidentally the same age his father passed during his adolescence, as he has an epiphany regarding his lifestyle. Rather, he realized that he’d been struggling just to survive, not actualizing any of his dreams.
Spending all his time pimping, just to survive. Driving around in a beatup car with no AC. But with a mind full of philosophy and a mentality that he’s supposed to be doing something meaningful with his life.
This makes me think again about the lumpenproletariat, or capitalist underclass. I wrote about it not too long ago, saying no matter how much money I made, that would be the class I belonged to. Djay is the epitome of the lumpenproletariat class. I mean, his roommates are his hoes: one an exotic dancing single mother, one a low-income white chick from the country, and the other is out of work due to being in her final trimester. Everything about their life was indicative of society’s forgotten underbelly.
Rent was due. Literally.
“You know it’s hard out here for a pimp, when he tryna to get this money for the rent.” Y’all know the words.
Rather, I saw myself in Djay, though not in the same circumstances. I, too, felt cornered, with no guidance, but the smallest inkling of what I should be doing… hint, my blog is a part of it.
Djay got his hint in the strip club parking lot when a junkie trades a toy keyboard for a 3.5. Lauren got her hint in the midst of her country’s distruction by way of messages from spirit.
So like Lauren, and like Djay, I’m gonna stay alive, and I’m gonna push that shit out. Both had big dreams, dismal conditions, and love, in whatever form they could find it. Again, I see myself existing in that overlap with these fictional characters.
But I’m real. This is real life. Life imitates art.
My words are magic, so I’m using them to create the life of my desires.
That’s Living Life Lavish.
If you’re ready to stop surviving and start building the life you actually envisioned, that’s exactly what Live Life Lavish University is for. 15 spots, $197, Founding Circle. The link is waiting for you.
Until next time,
Cousin Lex
creative note: this post was completely written since early March, but I’ve been sitting on it. Why? I don’t know – AI told me it was all over the place. But now I’m running out of time on my 10,000 words deadline and I gotta get this watch! Nene Leakes voice
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