Hello everyone,
Blogmas is a third of the way done. Thank you for coming back to read if you decided to.
Right now, I’m honestly feeling deflated. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I do but I’m ignoring myself. I still haven’t figured out how to tell the full truth to myself or to others.
It’s not lying more like refusing to acknowledge. Is that worse? I feel a ways now because I’m not as good as I want to be.
I’ve learned so much about myself but still I don’t cut myself any slack. I don’t give myself any grace. Sometimes I beat myself up for not being better.
One of my biggest flaws is I’m a slob. Like literally I don’t clean up. Almost every serious boyfriend I had, cleaned up after me I was always unkempt. “Dirty Girl” one of my nicknames given by Heavens Dad.
Sometimes I really wish I could call him. Not that I want to talk to him but sometimes I want to anchor myself in my old reality. Why? I hated it there. But it was safe and it was comfortable.
I’m saying this now because I spent the last couple hours in a functional freeze state, yet still managed to get my Blogmas done. That means something.
I don’t know what I’m doing this for. Is my resolve definite? It’s not. That’s why I worry. Because a part of me feels like I may give up. I just told you yesterday I wanted to go home mid labor.
Do I have the stamina it takes to build this thing? Am I going to have to do it alone?
It’s always the alone part that triggers me. Because I feel like I’ve been alone this whole time. When wasn’t I alone?
In a house full, a school full, a bus full, a WORLD full of people, I am still alone.
I stand alone. But on a mountain. As a 6/2 approaching my Saturn return, and with it my 2nd phase: On The Roof, I’m tempted to retreat prematurely. Because I feel alone.
Who’s out there?
Cousin Lex
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