Welcome back, family.
Today, I have to be brutally honest with myself and with y’all. It might be a doozy, so stay along for the ride.
Let me start by painting a picture for you: Okay, boom, I’m sitting at work, a new job, with nothing to work on. Sounds like a dream, right? Yeah, if you were anyone except me. I hate being at work with nothing to do. My blog’s origin story is literally me sitting at a job with nothing to work on and limited internet access. So, I’m sitting here reading a random state executive order when all of a sudden, I start crying. Not like a few drops, I mean I’m sitting in the middle of the office with tears flowing nonstop. I go to the bathroom and cry some more in a random stall. “I got to pull it together,” I think to myself, so I grab some napkins and head back to my desk to continue crying.
Now that the scene has been set, I can let you into my mind. I’m struggling with the concept of settling. Whether it be in love, in my career, or my life in general, I’m realizing that I have become accustomed to small. While wiping away tears, I channeled the song “Bigger” by Beyoncé, which reminds me that “if [I] feel insignificant, I better think again” because I’m a part of something way bigger. Queue even more tears flowing.
The Weight of Settling and Shrinking
Since I was a child, I’ve tried to make myself smaller to fit in. The earliest example was in the 3rd grade; my dad wanted to skip me to the next grade, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay with my friends. Most of which I don’t even associate myself with anymore, or worse, they bullied me in some way during elementary school. Since childhood, my self-esteem was in the toilet, but I was pretty and smart, so I was able to mask it.
I was able to hide from my friends and family in my own body. I was able to minimize myself in everyone’s eyes so that I wouldn’t be too big. When the people who raised you dampen your dreams, you learn not to dream too much. “Too loud, too reckless, too ghetto!” I’m all grown up now, so why does it even matter? “Go to therapy!” my auntie told me when I brought up how my upbringing was still affecting me even as I was about to graduate college. Now I’m building my career, I realized I’ve been planting myself in places too small to grow.
This brings me to right now – my present moment. I’m sitting here at an unfulfilling job, and I feel dead on the inside. The average American would say, “You should be grateful you have a job in this economy!” And believe me, I am. I’m incredibly blessed to have landed a job as soon as I moved to another state. One that allows me to have a flexible work schedule with the option to work remotely up to two days a week. At the same time, it exposes me to a multi-billion-dollar international database of information and potential professional connections. Everything is exactly what I wanted. But if you’re not growing, you’re dying, and I’ve been stagnant for a while now.
Too Big for the Pot: A Download from Spirit
A download I received a week ago came to mind while I was attempting to journal through my tears. When I lived in Tallahassee, I gave gardening a try. I took the girls to Dollar Tree, and we bought some seeds and starter pots, planted and water the seeds, and to my surprise, they germinated. Every day, I would get up to water the pots and admire the seedlings that sprouted. An honorable mention to Malia’s squash plant, which grew an extravagant vine and blossomed with beautiful flowers. The download I received was that our plants never bore any fruit because the pots I planted them in were too small. We got leaves, vines, and even flowers at times, but no fruits, which is the actual desirable part of the plant.
What am I saying here, family? I’m too big for the pot that I planted myself in. My roots need to go deeper to bear fruit. It may be that I don’t need a container at all. Rather, I need to plant directly in the soil to connect with the roots of others. That’s what this blog is intended to do – spread my roots and grow with others. Now, I am finally ready to think and dream bigger paired with intentional actions.
Join Me: Live Life Lavish University Is Now Open
For as long as I can reminder I’ve been a teacher, a mentor, a guide. Even my name, Alexis, means helper of man. In my time in the classroom, I strived to reach every student, even faculty and staff, because I believe in spreading the knowledge I’ve gained to help others. What’s different from then and now is I’m helping people free themselves from this box we’ve accepted as reality.
Ready to root into your purpose and rise into alignment? Live Life Lavish University is a sacred space for women who feel the call to expand, evolve, and embody their highest selves. If you’ve been feeling out of place or out of sync, this is your invitation to come home to yourself.
I’m opening 10 spots for those ready to walk a path of spiritual growth, self-mastery, and deep alignment.
Click here to join the Founding Class of Live Life Lavish University and begin your journey back to the truth of who you are!
Let’s grow together,
Cousin Lex
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